25 September 2003

Life Briefing Update

Since we last posted on September 10th, The Mainframe has:

-Driven 17 hours to Michigan (Ouch).

-Picked out a Big Boy ensemble (Translation: Jacket, Gabardines, Chestnut Cap Toed Dress Shoes, and Fine Gauge Mock Turtleneck)

-Witnessed a polka dance at the wedding to the "Pennsylvania Polka" (which I first heard on "Groundhog Day")

-Attended the wedding of a friend named "Crackhouse Nikki" (Funny story)

-Met 4 of Kirsten's oldest friends on the trip...and was only slapped 3 times!!

-Visited the boyhood hometown of Kid Rock (Romeo, Michigan)

-Set up Temporary HQ at the Jan/Steve residence

-Turned 27 years old.

-Rode the Robo-Coaster.

-Seen "Lost in Translation" (Amazing) and "Italian Job" (Surprisingly Good)

-Lost my first game in the Elimination Pool (Damn you, cursed Cardinals)

-Won my first game in Fantasy Football (Go Priest)

-Played Mini Golf Twice against KO (Record 1-1)

-Drove 17 hours back to Georgia.


Good. Now we're up to speed.

Deep Thoughts of the Month

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
-Jack Handey

10 September 2003

New Feature...or, Thank Goodness for Small Victories

The Mainframe, along with the help of our good friends at FrontPage Tips finally figured out a new convenient feature for you, dear reader.

Now, The Mainframe has the power to open new windows in a single bound when a you click on a link.

No more leaving your favorite website. It is indeed a good day.

Let the world rejoice.
2 out of 3 ain't bad

Albert Pujols continues to astound everyone. He's even left guys like Cards broadcaster Mike Shannon speechless, and tonight was no exception.
I tuned in the game on the way home from work just in time to hear Wayne Hagin call Albert's second homer of the night, giving him 41 on the year.
In case you're scoring at home, that dinger puts Pujols just ahead of Barry Bonds' amazing 40 homers in only 356 AB, despite being constantly forced to take his base.

Pujols for the moment now leads in 2 of the 3 Triple Crown catergories for the first time since before the All-Star Break.

Meanwhile tonight's 10-2 win against the Rockies and the Cubs' subsequent loss to the Expos in Puerto Rico leaving the Cards gaining a game on the Cubbies and a half game on the idle Astros.

It Also Gets the "Brown" Out

So I was watching a re-run of a re-run of Conan late last night with Amy Sedaris, and she said a certain substance (which was bleeped out) when mixed with a drink can give you explosive diarrhea.

The substance: Visine.

How does it work? This incredibly detailed and well-read blog comment I found might help explain it.

The best way to find out: Try it on your enemies (or friends, but that's just wrong).
Sitcom Poison returns to the Airwaves...or, Ted McGinley, Killing Shows Since 1974

One of the perks of being in television promotion is you get to see the new shows before the public. It serves a higher purpose, but its a great benefit for the TV lover in me.
I've seen some good and some bad over the years. More lean to one side than the other.

Which brings me to my point:
One person that I truly thought I'd never, never, ever see again on the small screen is Ted McGinley.

The boys over at JumpTheShark.com know what I'm talking about, referring the McGinley as their Patron Saint. They go on to write this:

Ted is the patron saint of shark jumping. Chances are that if Ted is anywhere near your cast, consider the show on the downward spiral. That's not to take away from Ted's fine acting skills. Consensus here enjoys Ted more on the big screen (Revenge of the Nerds) than on our sets. Then again, we wouldn't have a patron saint...thanks Ted!

In the spirit of being fair, Here's Joseph's take:

In Defense of Ted...
"Ted McGinley rules! i would portray him in a more distinguished light, he is no clown. any actor who can carve a niche like that man is talented and lucky. shows disappear and he keeps on coming back. he survives as others sink. while revenge of the nerds was terrific, his body of work that distinguishes him from meeker actors is on married with children. jefferson, d'arcy's boy, is one of the classic all-time characters. time will prove me correct." - Joseph

Enough said.

The reason I bring up Ted is that one of the new shows on ABC's resurgent "TGIF" lineup, Kelly Ripa's vehcle "Hope and Faith" has recently hired Ted as Hope's husband on the show, played ironically by Faith Ford, or Corky Sherwood-Forrest of Murphy Brown.
When I saw the pilot three months ago, a nameless actor portrayed the role of said husband. Apparently, he wasn't as destructive of a force as the President of Alpha Beta from Revenge of the Nerds or as lovable and pathetic as Jefferson D'Arcy from Married with Children.

Sometimes, I wonder if TV execs truly want shows to fail, like some sort of elitist-defeatist complex.
It's the only way I can truly explain such personnel moves.

But I digress...

For lack of a better analogy than a sports one, (I'm such a GUY), I liken Ted McGinley to the Turk on your favorite sports team.
For those of you infamiliar with the Turk, he's the sadistic employee of the team (Coach/Trainer/Guard/Equipment Manager) who gets the pleasure of informing a player indirectly that he's been cut from the team.
For example, in the NFL, the guys grabs and mutters the immortal phrase:

"The Coach wants to see you...and bring your playbook."

Yeah, that guy. When Mr. McGinley arrives on set, let the Requiem begin.

Sorry Kelly, but the Exec wants to see you...and bring your script with you.

Care(less) Package

This is one way to avoid the authorities. Not a smart one, but one nonetheless.

A Texas man has done what many of us have only 'dreamed of'. He shipped himself... instead of buying an airline ticket. The guy actually packed himself into a wooden cargo crate (no word on who sealed it) and mailed himself from New York to his home in Dallas, Texas. When the crate arrived at his parents' doorstep, the 25-year-old penny pincher pried open the crate with a crowbar and shook the hand of the deliveryman. But the deliveryman (obviously not amused) called the police. The cops arrested the young man on two outstanding Texas warrants, obviously providing us with another clue as to why the man decided to avoid more traditional transportation.

Hey, kids, don't try this on your own. The man survived only because he was lucky enough to get a pressurized cabin, and the entire trip took more than 12 hours. The FBI and Transportation Security Administration, meanwhile, are trying to determine what other laws he may have broken.
-MSNBC Countdown staff

Return of the Newsman

In case you're just joining us, let me disclaim this post by reintroducing the players.

First, a communication professor at the University of Notre Dame by the name of Ted Mandell wrote a letter to a local TV station that was subsequently published in the Indianapolis Star.
Mandell teaches in the Department of Film, Television and Theater at the University of Notre Dame.

Next, a response to Mandell's letter came via my source for the letter, Grahme Newell's Ideanet, a television newsletter for industry folk. It was also posted in this space on the 29 of August.
That letter was written by Tom Long, VP/GM of WRGB, Albany/Schenecdady/Troy, a TV station in New York.

But as we all know, everything on television comes in threes.

Heretofore, the trifecta installment in the TV News Secrets Saga....from a Cronkite disciple nonetheless.

As always, Comments are not only welcomed, they're encouraged.

Response to 8/25/03 article "The Ten Little Secrets Of Local TV News":

"I must take exception with Tom Long's letter regarding Ted Mandell's article.

While it is certainly not surprising that Mr. Long would stoop to a personal attack, as seems to be the case whenever the news media is criticized, his denials about the state of local news and his suggested solutions actually underscore Mandell's point.

Mandell is absolutely correct that local news has been co-opted as a cross-promotional tool for the networks broader agenda. The content is often stupefying, insulting, and indeed designed to keep viewers "on the hook" to bridge through the next pod.

Yet, like many of his brethren, Long chooses to blame the viewers - and suggest that audience preference would make local news even worse than it already is. It is this contempt for the needs and tastes of the viewer that allows local television news to deliver less and less. What Long conveniently leaves out is the desire to target demos and cross-promote existing programming.

It is the ceaseless choice of promotion over content that makes local newscasts empty, and ham-handed, and makes newscasters (and their bosses) wildly self-important.

I believe most readers enjoyed the wit of Mandell's article and see the truth behind it.

That Long didn't - or won't - says a great deal.

Sterling Rome
Senior Producer
Luna Vox Productions
(freelance columnist and former assistant to Walter Cronkite, former anchorman CBS Evening News)
-courtesy Grahme Newell
Nice Pants You Have, Hmm?

Star Wars Lines That Can Be Impressive If You Substitute The Word "Pants"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. You are unwise to lower your pants.

3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.

7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

13. Governor Tarkin. I should've recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.

15. Luke . . . Help me take . . . these pants off.

16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

20. Your pants betray you. Yours feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!

21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

-courtesy Grahme Newell

06 September 2003

Deep Thought(s) of the Week

Sorry I've been neglecting my blog again. The staff will try to do better.

In the meantime, enjoy these little nuggets:

Children need encouragement, so if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave, and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on, we found out he was a bear.

-Jack Handey

02 September 2003

The Official Home for Your 2003 Columbus Chiefs

I know it's amazing, but this is the first year I've forayed into the uncharted waters of Fantasy Football.
If you know me, you'll undertstand and wonder how I held out this long.

There, the seal hath been broken.

Here's a look at what my league's live draft yielded on Saturday for the Chiefs on the Hooch:

Gannon, Rich (QB-Oak)
Brooks, Aaron (QB-NO)
Vick, Michael (QB-Atl)
Moulds, Eric (WR-Buf)
Robinson, Koren (WR-Sea)
Reed, Josh (WR-Buf)
Taylor, Travis (WR-Bal)
Boerigter, Marc (WR-KC)
Smith, JimmyNA (WR-Jac)
Holmes, Priest (RB-KC)
Green, William (RB-Cle)
Staley, Duce (RB-Phi)
McMichael, Randy (TE-Mia)
Jolley, Doug (TE-Oak)
Johnson, Teyo (WR, TE-Oak)

Carney, John (K-NO)

Baltimore (DEF-Bal)

The 2003 Columbus Chiefs Draft Order
1. Holmes, Priest (RB-KC)
2. Gannon, Rich (QB-Oak)
3. Moulds, Eric (WR-Buf)
4. Robinson, Koren (WR-Sea)
5. Brooks, Aaron (QB-NO)
6. Green, William (RB-Cle)
7. McMichael, Randy (TE-Mia)
8. Baltimore (DEF-Bal)
9. Reed, Josh (WR-Buf)
10. Staley, Duce (RB-Phi)
11. Carney, John (K-NO)
12. Jolley, Doug (TE-Oak)
13. Vick, Michael (QB-Atl)
14. Jones, Freddie (TE-Ari)
15. Smith, Jimmy (WR-Jac)
16. Boerigter, Marc (WR-KC)
17. Bryson, Shawn (RB-Det)

Side Note: I picked up Michael Vick in the !3th round. The steal of the draft.

Stay Tuned throughout the season for more from your hometown team.

What Smiths Song are you?

Very cool quiz. Thanks to Mike for turning me onto it.

Sheila, take a bow
You are "Sheila take a bow."
You know that life hurts, and you've had your share
of pain, but that doesn't mean you can't still
have a good time. You know the importance of
not dwelling on your problems. You have a
generally positive outlook, and you are a
really good friend.

Which Smiths song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla